BEING SHE x Genevieve Angelique IG: @lagosdays_parisnights

The tape of her mind whirs.

It’s morning. Time for battle.

The war? It’s over her self-worth.

Funny. For it is she who plays both offense and defense.

Every image of a beautiful woman her eyes consume, now becomes a co-conspirator.

Another assault on her self-esteem.

Another assault she tries desperately to fight off.

She goes back and forth with herself, as if arguing for and against a case for this war. Knowing this is unhealthy.

Exhausting.

Self-deprecating.

Self-hating.

Lonely.

Her only peace comes at night.

Eyes closed.

Finally asleep.

The war on pause until morning breaks and her eyes open.

Preparing for battle once again.

Press play. Repeat.

 

Behind my smile, I gather, very few people would assume that I have struggled with my self-esteem and self-worth my whole life. Most people assume I’m this confident woman, which I am; but it took a long time to grow into that. Most of the time I was faking it. I wrote ‘Untitled’ while I was in the throes of a particular bout of depression, which is something I’ve also struggled with my whole life. This particular time I thought I was losing my mind, and so I got to writing and voila.

My battle with depression and low self-esteem really began when I started to take inventory on my thoughts. I learned that my inner voice was really negative and said ugly things about me all the time. This revelation helped me to understand why I was sad a lot, why I felt hopeless most of the time and why I self-sabotaged. I had been conditioned to think that I was worth nothing and would never be nothing. What saved me from myself was my growing faith in God and being changed by the truth of his word. I learned that even what I could consider my best, was still a mess to Him lol! BUT. HE. LOVES. ME. REGARDLESS. This understanding has given me a peace that I never knew before, and as I walk out my faith, I want to inspire other women as well.

I’d be lying if I said that I still don’t struggle with depression and negative thoughts and feelings about myself anymore. However, the difference now is I don’t allow them to take root. I fight them! We both can’t live here. I’ve come to understand that some battles, you don’t go through for yourself; but to be able to help others. I have a crazy story that I have yet to tell, but the plan is to help, uplift and inspire as many women as I can. We are all beautiful beings with unique intrinsic value. How much better would this world be if we all knew this though.